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    Effective Communication Skills: Use Words To Get Ahead In Your Workplace (w/ Examples & PDF)

    BARK BARK BARK!

    01101000 01101001!

    Both of those statements above didn't make a lot of sense did they?  That's because you're not a dog or a computer.

    If I said, "Hello there" instead, you would've easily understood what I was saying. It's just a matter of communicating something in the right way.

     

    The point of all communication is transferring information from one place to another.  

    You can communicate with another human:

    Communicating Brains"Hey Jim, let's go sit over there!"

     

     

    You can communicate with a computer:

    Communicating with a computer::::type, movement of mouse, swipes of finger::::

     

     

    You can communicate with Dog:

    Communicating with a dog

    "::::GRUNT:::: Stop humping my leg!"

     

    Notice each different interface......you communicate with a different input language.

    The human, the computer, and the dog all understand input in a different way.

    For example, let's say you want to input the words into a smartphone AND a standard desktop computer.  What you're trying to input is the same, but the actions you take to enter these things are slightly different:

    Tap Tap Tap

     

    Similarly, different types of humans require different input.

    Humans are essentially what our brains make us.  And the human brain is just a re-active computational machine.  It "learns" by making generalizations about things from the past:

    • You touch a hot stove......it hurts......so you don't touch a hot stove again.
    • You get a speeding ticket......it sucks......so you don't speed as much again.
    • You get bit by a dog when you're 5......it hurts......so you become scared of dogs.

    And since every single person in the world has a slightly different experience in life, every single person's brain is different.

    For example, below are two different brains.

    The 1st brain has a traditionally "good" life.

    The 2nd brain has a traditionally "hard" life.

     

    Brain with a good life:

    Brain Good Life

     

    Brain with a hard life:

    Bad brain

     

    Looking at the experiences that shaped both those brains.....it's almost illogical to think they'll both react in the same way to an input!

    Yet this is the scene we have to navigate.

    It's why people tend to gravitate towards people similar to them.

    It's why people get along easier when they have a lot in common.

    It's why one person thinks something is funny, and another thinks the same thing is offensive.

    It's also why we can learn A LOT from people different than us.

     

    If you can communicate well, you can do a lot of things:

    • Convince people to buy things.
    • Convince people to give you $$$$.
    • Convince someone to do something.
    • Convince someone not to do something.
    • Convince people someone is a bad person.
    • Convince people someone is a good person.
    • Con people.
    • Help people.

    You can use this talent for good or evil.  Whichever you choose.

    You can also totally screw up a lot of things through bad communication (such as over-complicating a simple memo at work and confusing people more than helping them).

     

    So let's explore some tactical ways to improve communication:

     

    Watch yourself smile in front of a mirror:

    Know why they have mirrors in dance studios?  So you can instantly see what you're doing and correct the wrong movements.

    Sometimes the way you FEEL doing a movement, doesn't actually LOOK that great from an outside perspective.

    However, most communication (ummm....probably ALL communication) does not happen in front of a mirror.  It happens when you're not looking at yourself.  In fact, usually you're too caught up in the situation to think about your individual movements.

    A few years ago a friend of mine in the communications space was walking with me to a restaurant one Tuesday afternoon.

    As we were walking I noticed nearly every guy and girl that walked by us was smiling at us.

    The 1st time it happened I ignored it.

    The 2nd time it happened I ignored it.

    The 3rd time it happened I ignored it.

    The 4th time it happened I asked my friend, "What the hell are you doing?? Something is happening!"

    He smugly looked at me and said, "Ok, the next person to walk by, try smiling at them."

    I obliged.

    I saw a woman passing by.....looked straight at her and cracked a smile.  NOTHING HAPPENED.  This is why:

    Half SmilingOh yikes......

    My friend was like, "Ummmm, that's not really a smile."

    What's crazy is: I genuinely thought THAT WAS a big smile!  In my head I could feel that I was smiling because my mouth muscles would rise! What I felt internally about my smile, clearly didn't reflect externally.

    He went on to give me this analogy:

    "Imagine you're backpacking through Europe and completely randomly see your friend Jason from back home.  You'd be totally surprised by this and crack a HUUUGGEEEE happy smile when you see him!   Do THAT to the next person walking by."

    So I tried to imagine this situation happening in my head, and I cracked a HUUUGGEEEE smile to the next woman walking by as if she were a longterm friend.

    As we passed by, the woman smiled and actually STOPPED to talk with me (because based on my body language she thought I knew her).....and this came as a huge surprise so I panicked and kept walking!

    Smiling Chart

    (With that bad lighting and a beard, perhaps I shouldn't be smiling at ANYONE)!

    The "Smile" I thought I had all these years sucked.

    This means the communication I was giving off internally, was never the same message being given off externally.

    This is why practicing what you look during a conversation in a mirror can be really helpful.

     

    Use analogies with people (or just reverse the situation):

    For some reason one of the most useful things someone can explain to me is, "Imagine if I told YOU that (insert thing I did wrong here)."

    It seems analogous to teaching a kid not to hit another kid......by showing him what it feels like to get hit.

     

     

    Counting to 10 in your head before speaking:

    About 5 years ago talking to a guy who literally jumped into every single one of my sentences in a weird way.

    Me: I saw this blue car on the road....

    Him: Whoa my girlfriend has a blue car and she :::blah blah blah:::!!!

    Me: One time I went camping.....

    Him: Holy crap I went camping too this one time, and these squirrels stole the :::blah blah blah::::

    He interjected at every sentence and it annoyed the crap outta me.

    I remember this striking a chord with me, because I felt like I ALSO DO THAT in conversation.

    Realizing this years ago, I simultaneously felt sad and happy about this.

    Sad because I realized this guys annoying habit was something I do.

    Happy because now I realized it, and can make a change.

    It feels like my brain is hyperactive sometimes, and anything out of someone's mouth I can relate a story to.  I realized from a few experiences this could be highly annoying.  The worst part is, in my head I thought I was contributing to the conversation because I enjoyed talking to the person!  It was actually my way of telling them, "I enjoy your company because I am engaging in your conversation!"

    In reality, it could turn some people off.

    So I developed this easy trick of counting to 10 in my head before responding with my own feedback.  It was an easy way to keep my brain occupied with something besides formulating an IMMEDIATE response.

    I started noticing this worked ESPECIALLY WELL when listening to friends talk about something serious or sad.

    Try it out.

     

    Noticing the "vibe" you're giving off:

    Here's a funny thing I had happen.  I frequently drive back home and visit my family.  Years ago sometimes I'd notice we wouldn't talk that much when we got home.

    Then I figured it out.  And it was a super-stupid reason caused by ME.

    I would walk in the door, parents would greet me, I'd go upstairs and put all my stuff away, then come back downstairs and do the following:

    1.) Turn on the TV in the living room.

    2.) Grab a magazine from the side table.

    3.) Have my phone out.

    Now.....I didn't MEAN to look this way, but from an outside perspective, I CLEARLY LOOKED like I didn't want to be bothered with conversation!

    It's hilarious to think I would be typing on a phone, reading a magazine, and watching TV at the same time......and then EXPECT someone to say "So Neville, what's going on?"

    But this kind of stuff happens all the time.

    Someone wants people to approach them at a conference......but they look standoffish by not looking friendly and typing on their phone.

    Someone wants to connect and have a great conversation......but they constantly interrupt and talk about themselves.

    Someone wants to desperately show they are competent and smart......but they talk too much and it makes them look foolish.

     

    Ask Questions You Actually Care About

    You probably already know that to have better conversations, you should ask open-ended questions. After all, people LOOOVE talking about themselves.

    The problem is, most people default to the first boring questions that pop into their mind.

    BORING QUESTIONS = BORING CONVERSATIONS

    This may seem obvious, but the trick to having good conversations is asking things you actually want to know the answer to (vs. just asking a question for the heck of it).

    With strategic questioning, YOU control how interesting/boring a convo is.

    2019 interesting conversation

    interesting conversation about reading

     

    interesting conversation freelance

    If you’re struggling to think of good questions on the spot, try memorizing a few prepared questions that are general enough to ask anybody (books, life experiences, advice, points of view, etc).

    With a bit of practice, you’ll never have another boring conversation again.

     

     

    Get this entire post as a PDF:

    Click here to subscribe

    I will be adding more and more communications tactics to this post (I want to develop a "collection" of them).  So please chime in with yours below!

    Sincerely,

    Neville Medhora

     

     

     

    P.S.  In the comments, let me know which one of these you are most guilty of, and how you're going to change it (Constantly interrupting, appearing too stand-offish, other problems).

    I am personally interested in this stuff and LOVE hearing your problems & solutions!


    User Feedback

    Recommended Comments



    My no.1 rule is to always ask before you speak.

    This is in order to fully understand the other persons point of view, as we tend to think different things even after observing the same thing at the same time.

    Link to comment
    Wow.. I know I have issues with cutting into conversations too often & my huge smile (that really looks like nothing) but hearing this from you, now I know I really need to focus on these things & make a positive change. Thanks!
    Link to comment
    Guest sherven

    Posted

    Awesome Neville!that's so true about the smile.I always get compliment for my smile as people says that i smile genuinely and not trying to fake one.Once it happened that i got a broken tooth and was smiling in a timid way,not to make my broken tooth to be visible and for the person that i smiled,they didn;t saw it at all though i felt i was smiling and they asked me if i was angry with them haha.

    The habit that i taken is to always listen to someone first before saying anything.Let them talk and understand what they want to say and then i get a better idea of what thoughts they want to convey,as it comes from their perspective.After listening i talk and ask a question after doing every little bit of storytelling.

    Link to comment
    Guest Josh Margulies

    Posted

    Awesome post Nev! You nailed it again. I tend to burst at the seams to say every stupid thought that pops into my head. (LOVE the "count to 10" idea.)

    My communication breakthrough:

    When someone asks a good (or decent) question--the first thing I say is "Great Question!"

    This accomplishes several things:

    1. Validates them (which we all want badly)

    2. Boosts their ego (which we all want badly)

    3. Shows them I AM smart, because if I agree with THEM, I must be smart :)

    4. Makes them feel UNDERSTOOD (which we all want REALLY badly)

    5. Builds a connection--praise is a great way to make friends

    All that...from 2 little words.

    Yet, I rarely see people say "Great question." They're too eager to give their answer.

    It hit me once: people don't care about your answer, they want to show you they thought of a great question.

    (Works wonders with parenting too!)

    Thanks again!

    Josh

    Link to comment
    One in-person and phone communications tactic I've used is the "keep silent" technique. During a conversation lull, I wait for the other party to fill in the silence and offer more info. This is especially useful during negotiations!
    Link to comment
    Guest Don Christiano

    Posted

    I believe it was Dalai Lama who said something like: When you you speak, you don't hear anything new, but you will if you shut up and don't interupt (the words may be a bit diferent, but the idea is the same).

    My verbal communication strategy is based on a fear, that I may miss out on a chance to learn something new, if I try and include myself in the conversation, by refering to something I did, because the other person will not want to talk me anymore. Instead I keep asking questions about the subject (I believe it is called showing interest) I listen if there is anything in what we are talking about that I (double capital I) am more interested hearing more about, and ask questions so I can learn something, while they still feel like they are in control of the conversation.

    Only - they are not.

    I am not bored, but show genuine interest, and they can see, hear and feel that.

    And if they are boring, I do a backflip out of the blue, just to throw them out of their game. It words, because I can't do backflips.

    Link to comment

    A couple of years ago I was totally guilty of not being aware what's going on on my face until at one point people started asking me if I am doing ok. After some exploration I noticed that I got a weird looking expression whenever I drifted away with my thoughts… My call to start being aware of where my attention is going.

    I'd like to share this one advice that probably saved my relationship, lol.

    "If you are not sure what the other person really MEANS, don't do ASSumptions - ASK!!!"

    When I met my husband, he had this weird habit of constantly saying: "…but you have to understand that…" when we were conversing. I immediately got the vibe of "Wow, he (the Mexican guy) has control issues (inserting what I believed I knew about his culture) and wants to tell me (the independent Austrian girl) what to do." At one point I couldn't take it any longer and just blurted out: "I do not have to understand anything if I don't want to!" BAM.

    Luckily we could sort this out and he shared his perspective. In his family, they tell each other all the time what to do - because they care for each others. No one would get offended by that (and frankly, no one follows the advice anyway…).

    He stopped saying these trigger words and we agreed on asking, asking, asking instead of building up anger and resentment.

    So please, don'd do ASSumptions. Ask: "Is this what you want to say?" Give people the chance to clarify.

    Love your blog Neville! Good stuff every single time.

    Sonja

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    I totally pull out my phone in situations that can be social if I don't know anyone. It is like my security blanket to not feel alone. Yet I see it keeps me alone.

    I'm going to try leaving my phone in the car or somewhere else when I know I am going to be put in those kind of situations.

    Link to comment
    Guest Esbe van Heerden

    Posted

    Hey Nev!

    I believe asking questions is great for conversation, of course - we all know that everyone loves talking about themselves. However, a big convo turn off for me is someone constantly preparing questions while I'm talking (I guess in fear of the ever terrifying conversational lull) instead of actually listening to what I'm saying.

    My technique is to make huge amounts of eye contact - harass their soul through their proverbial face windows - and actually listen to what they have to say. Then conversation will flow because you will find things they have to say interesting and actually ask questions you WANT to know the answer to.

    And if they don't have anything interesting to say they'll at least have fallen a little in love with you due to the whole unrelenting but not creepy eye contact thing.

    Keep up the good work, love the amount of selfies in this post.

    Link to comment
    Guest Stephen Gomez

    Posted

    Staying present, as simple as it may seem, has always worked wonders for me. Most of the time we tend to think of our other worries and pay only half attention to whoever we are talking to.

    We think of things like... "Oh, I forgot to wash the dishes."

    "Oh, what time is it? I have a meeting by 10!"

    Instead of giving our full focus on the conversation, we think of irrelevant things and often end up not understanding anything. You know you are PRESENT if the world seems to not move when you're talking with someone. There's also this 'conversational chemistry' going on where both of you understand fully what each other says. If not, you'll often find yourself nodding on what the other person says without really understanding anything, or worse, you'll ask them to repeat what they said.

    So yeah, being present. Practice of meditation helps a lot too.

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    I’m sometimes guilty of making the conversation about myself. Trying to understand why I do it and when, I’ve realized it often comes from a sense of insecurity.

    I’ve concluded that a lot of people turn to talking about themselves simply because they have to compensate for a sense of inadequacy or because that’s the topic they know the most about. It’s much easier talking about a topic you are the best expert on (yourself) rather than running the risk of seeming unknowledgeable or straight up stupid discussing something else.

    I have a friend who is absolutely amazing at asking questions and being truly fascinated about other people’s conversation. I think of her often and try to emulate. The most interesting realization I got from observing her (that sounds creepy) was that her questions didn’t make her seem stupid. On the contrary, she makes others feel extremely good about themselves and she manages to learn a whole lot on many diverse topics.

    When I sense that I’m searching for my next comment rather than listening to what the person in front of me is saying, I try to take a step back and ask them a pertinent question to keep the conversation moving towards them. I also smile a lot, that works wonders!

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    After years of being annoyed by condescending bosses who micromanaged me, I was finally promoted to a position of management....and I was transformed into a condescending micromanager. I realized that all that comes from fear and insecurity about how much we can't control other people! What a great lesson.
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    Guest Romeo Jeremiah

    Posted

    What up, Nev.

    Here's an important one for those office worker type folks:

    It annoys the crap out of me when folks come into my office and begin talking to me when I'm working (or pretending to work) on my computer. :-)

    But, I stop typing and look away from my computer to give them my undivided attention every time. Most times I don't care what they are saying, yet I nod attentively and throw out an "oh, yeah" with a smile every couple of minutes.

    Most people just want you to listen. So, we should do it. Not giving that attention when attention is desired is a strong indicator that you don't care, whether it is true or not.

    On a side note: Don't be so insecure about your smile. Both of them work well.

    Link to comment
    A good communication or conversation starter is asking "what is the most difficult thing you are working on right now?" Then let them talk without interrupting or throwing in your two cents.
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    Guest Romeo Jeremiah

    Posted

    I became self-aware of this after reading Dr. Chapman's The 5 Love Languages. He pointed out that the average person (in a relationship) interrupts within 17 seconds of someone else's speaking. Once you are conscious of this, it'll blow your mind how often we interrupt. We just can't wait to be heard, it seems. I believe one of the golden rules of copywriting is that no one cares about you or your thoughts. They care about themselves. Become the best listening in the world and people will love you for not really doing much at all. This is especially important in the dating scene. Trust, people love "great listeners." Actively listen and give feedback only when asked and you'll be "the one" they'll be telling all their friends about.
    Link to comment
    Guest Lee French

    Posted

    I work a lot of fantasy and science fiction conventions as a vending author, and I can confirm that smiling is a huge deal. People sometimes walk up if you smile at them. They rarely do if you don't. I've had people approach my table and comment, "I was going to just pass by, but you have a nice smile." Which is a little creepy sometimes, but good for sales.

    I've noticed there are two general approaches to trade show sales. One, you toss out questions or pitch lines to every random person who walks past, trying to engage them before they've done more than glance your way. Two, you wait for them to look at the books (or whatever) and stay for more than half a second, then greet them, offer to answer any questions, and maybe add a short pitch or ask what kind of books (or whatever) they actually like.

    The first approach leaves most people--especially the kind that frequent F/SF conventions--uncomfortable, because it's a hard sell that brings pushy used car salesmen to mind. I hate it when people badger me about a product in person. This might work for a while, because some people will buy a thing just to shut you up, but it won't make repeat customers. If they do happen to like the product and want more, they'll find a way to get it without interacting with you, and if they're on the fence, they'll remember the negative experience and look for something else. Worse, some people will hop onto social media and warn their friends away from that booth. This is a big deal at 4 day conventions.

    The second allows a potential customer to proceed at their own pace and feel welcomed by personal attention. They may not buy, but if they do, they'll likely be a repeat customer and maybe even the kind of fan that tells their friends about your stuff.

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    I can relate to each of your examples!

    Each time I was pregnant, I had all sorts of strangers smile at me, stop to talk to me and go out of their way to help me. I must have been all smiles and "glowing"; looking much more friendly and approachable than I usually do. I noticed that as soon as the baby is born, those interactions stop as if a switch was turned off. It's almost as if I no longer exist.

    Now I try to duplicate that happy & glowing vibe for everyday life and what I find most helpful is to say namaste (to myself) as I approach people or pass by. It remind me that I'm honoring the Divine light inside them and that we're all connected. It immediately removes any judgmental thoughts that might pop up and I've found it keeps my body language and facial expressions friendly and inviting.

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    I was always told the you have two ears and only one mouth so you should take the hint and always listen twice as much as you talk. Over the years I've found that one of the best pieces of advise I've ever gotten.

    The amount you learn and what you learn is often surprising.

    The other important thing (imho) is that if you want to get ahead; in business or personal relationships, make it more about "them" or the problem/solution than about "how I would", "Who I am", or "What I know". People listen and value your input/solution better if they believe you value their opinion. And sometimes you may even find a way better than your own.

    Lastly, be mindful of your attitude throughout the day, because even though you may not think your attitude or mood would make a difference in someone else's day... it does. Smile and the world smiles with you.

    Go out of your way a bit every day to make a genuine positive difference in someones day... because it will make a difference in yours.

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    Guest Tesslast

    Posted

    Hi, I'm Tess and I'm an autobiographical listener. I'm defs guilty of interrupting people. In my head, I think I'm "relating" to them but I've started to realize how annoying I sound. My intentions are good but I've GOT to rein it in. If (and that's a big if,) I catch myself before it's too late, I close my mouth and focus on listening till the other person has finished speaking. During that time, my brain usually adjusts and whatever nonsense I had previously stiffled has left me in favor of some more relevant comment. I like the counting idea too!
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    Guest Scott Worthington

    Posted

    Hey Neville,

    I am also guilty of the less-than-stellar smile. I have never (never ever) smiled a full, toothy, open lipped smile like Jesal and Romeo. It just doesn't feel natural to me. The best I can muster is similar to your close mouthed grin. Anything more seems forced and insincere. I'll try the mirror.

    Another stumbling block to real communication is not listening. Many folks in conversation spend their time thinking about what they are going to say next instead of really focusing on what the other person is saying. yeah, I'm guilty of this. I try to be aware when my mind drifts and snap back to the speaker.

    If all you are thinking about is, "What am I saying" and, "What am I going to say next" then you can't learn from the other person. Might as well be having that "conversation" in front of a mirror.

    Valuable stuff here. In you post AND in the insightful comments.

    Thanks to everyone for sharing.

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    Guest Guillermo

    Posted

    I called the cutting into every sentence my "Seinfeld Sydrome". Watch an episode of Seinfeld and you'll know why it gets that name, everyone says something, then they cut to other character quip, laugh track and the story continues.

    If someone says something and I have a witty remark, I always end up interrupting with a comment, if it gets a laugh, awesome, and they can continue with their story, if it doesn't... ohhh boy... interaction go stale... faaaast.

    The thing is, it has to be about the story or them, if you cut to something that happens to you in a similar situation, suddenly it all becomes about YOU, and nobody wants to hear about YOU when THEY are the ones talking.

    Link to comment
    Active listening is HUGE. The other person needs to feel validated and heard. When you take the time to respond to people emails/comments, that does wonders for their impressions and feelings towards you.
    Link to comment
    Guest Kyle Reed

    Posted

    I am guilty of jumping into conversations with people while they are in the midst of talking. I even catch myself doing this.

    What I try and do is let them finish talking.

    That sounds so basic, but what I have found inside of this is most of the time, the thing I thought they were talking about is actually not what they were saying at all. But because I am so eager to insert myself into the conversation I miss what they really want to say.

    So my new challenge is to listen until they are done. I have found, when listening well and reflectively responding, people are much more engaged in what I have to say later. The technique of actually listening and not worry what I will say next gives me the opportunity to put together a rational thought, question, or just a word of encouragement.

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    I like to "+1" people's energy while communicating. If their energy seems to be a 3 out of 10, I try to be a 4 or 5. This way I hopefully raise their spirits. I want to respect their space just the same way I wouldn't shout in a library or whisper in a church.
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